Credit, Maddie Birch-Jackson
Important: this report contains a reference to suicide.
On a Tuesday like any other, British civil servant Richard Jackson made the biggest mistake of his life, while traveling on the train on his way to work.
Jackson left a folder with highly secret documents on the train. When he realized his mistake, he panicked, but it was too late.
Made in a split second, the mistake became national news in the UK. Jackson's life descended into chaos and he was consumed by shame and humiliation.
Almost 20 years later, he recounts that fateful day and its consequences in an interview with Sian Williams for the Life Changing program on BBC Radio 4.
Jackson claims to be living proof that even after making the worst mistake in life, it is possible to rebuild it.
At the time it all fell apart, Jackson was 37 and living in Yateley, in the south of the UK, with his wife Maddie and 15-year-old stepdaughter Charlotte. His other stepdaughter, Becky, 20, was at university.
"We were very happy," he recalls. "But I was very focused on my career."
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“My merits and my value came from that career, that role, that position and the responsibility,” he says. "For a period of time, I was working 100 hours a week. I didn't disconnect."
The British Ministry of Defense had transferred Jackson to the Cabinet Office. There, he began to occupy a post related to global terrorism, where he had access to first-hand information from the British intelligence services GCHQ, MI5 and MI6.
When he left his office in London on Monday afternoon, he took with him a stack of forms that he needed to fill out to formalize his position.
Back home, he noticed that, in the middle of the package, there were "two documents on classified topics, both top secret".
Credit, Simon Gilbert
Examining what happened today, Jackson says he should have called the Office and asked someone to collect the documents safely.
But he attributed what he later did to a "certain survival instinct."
"Who knows, maybe if I give them back, no one will ever know," he thought.
Jackson stored the top-secret documents in a bright orange cardboard folder, and the next morning he sat on the train thinking over and over, "Don't forget this."
He got off the train and walked quickly to his office. Until he realized he no longer had the folder...
“For a moment, I felt like the world had come to a standstill,” Jackson recalls.
He went to every train stop and asked if anyone had delivered a folder, with no results.
"I was desperate," he says. "Everything, every movement, felt very sudden... I felt bad."
When he saw his wife, Maddie, he broke down. "I told her she had ruined our lives," Jackson recalls.
"She just hugged me. She told me everything was going to be okay and we were going to move forward."
Credit, Becky Birch
In the hands of the BBC
The next day at work, Jackson discovered that the documents had been found and handed over to the BBC.
He says that his first feeling was "relief to know that the documents were once again in a safe place." Until he realized that they would “become public”.
“I was the main story on the six o’clock news bulletin,” recalls Jackson. "And I was suspended pending an investigation."
Jackson hid at home. At lunch, Maddie found him sitting cross-legged on the couch, sobbing.
"I spent the morning trying to find a way to die without feeling pain," he says.
"I've often thought about what would have happened if she hadn't come home at lunchtime... but I suppose I'll never know."
“We spent that afternoon talking,” he continues. "And I think that's where I first thought, 'If I want to get through this, I can't do it alone.'"
The Government Cabinet considered this to be a serious offense and downgraded him by three levels. He was prosecuted under the Official Secrets Law, avoided prison and was fined 2,500 pounds (around R$16,900, at current exchange rates).
Theoretically, everything was over. But Jackson couldn't shake the shame, regret and humiliation.
He is grateful to the many people who worried about him and helped him rebuild his life.
"I fixed very little myself. Many people helped me fix everything."
Jackson returned to the Ministry of Defense in a position in human resources. He was later transferred to the Department for Culture, Media and Sport to work on the London 2012 Olympic Games.
Jackson then left the civil service and started working for the Samaritans.
He later took charge of a team of analysts studying the risks of global terrorism. And, in his spare time, he started studying to be a personal development coach.
When he was fired, Jackson founded a coaching company, NewDay, that helps people overcome the stress caused by managing upsetting material.
"I could tell my story... and it made sense," he says. "There was a reason for what I did."
Credit, Richard Jackson
Jackson wants people to know that there are ways to correct the biggest mistake someone makes in life.
“You can be in a really bad situation and still rise up and overcome it,” he explains. “There are ways to help yourself and get help.”
When someone asks if he has forgiven himself, Jackson says no, but that he is happy again.
Maddie is also pleased that he no longer works 100 hours a week.
“My life is not defined by my career and I am more present at home,” he says. "Now, I value much more how lucky I am to have wonderful people in my life."
Did you make a mistake? Here are some ways to recover
Richard Jackson shared the steps that helped him overcome his traumatic episode:
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